Quest

I have no answers for you.
I'm still learning my own truth.
Figuring out what's real to me...
Without any outside influence.
I know what I like,
And I know what I don't.
So I'm piecing together this puzzle.
Trying to act like I have it together...
While my thoughts are scattered and jumbled.

Mistakes will be made.
Hearts will be broken.
It's all in the nature of life.

Beauty is fleeting
This is supposed to be freeing...
So why is it with you
That my breath is retreating.

Lightheaded and woozy.
Your touch it subdues me,
And your eyes,
Take me to a place of seclusion.
Where it's just you and I.
No her, her, her or him
And for that brief moment...
I feel at peace within.

hand to my stomach.
My heart beating in my throat.
praying for the best...
But through the worst I'll surely cope.
Preoccupied with thoughts
That are overwhelmed with uncertainty.
Feeling lost and wondering when
Everyone turned their backs on me.
Strong enough to be wrong
and to admit it.
Smart enough to not let my pride
keep its foot in my back.
I'll do what I must
it's the hustler ambition.
And though I've never hustled
nobody can stop this Brooklyn spirit.

So I'll be straight.
I don't need any help.
Rather struggle and succeed
Than be pitied by anybody else.
Success is the greatest revenge anyway
And trust I want to get even
So the plan starts today.

Thin line

I see you...
I love you...
I kiss you...
I hug you...
I've missed you...
You missed me?
No you can't admit that.

I ignore it..
We roll it...
We light it...
We pour it...
We make out all night.
And we fuck in the morning.

We part...
You start..
To trip and shit...
Just arguing to argue...
to flip your lid and shit.
You loved me?
Can't tell...
Cause now I'm a ho...
I'm a slut and yup I'm a bitch...
I just can not deal with it.

Torn between love and hate...
Because that's the thin line we tread.
I tear up when you degrade me.
Yet somehow still end up inside your bed.
I love how much I care about you.
But it makes me want to put a bullet through my skull...
Because anyone as dumb as I have been...
usually deserves to be dead. 

Addicted

I tell you good morning...
text you throughout the day
And goodnight in the evening...
The drafts are filling my inbox.
I type it to feel normal.
But we're far beyond our normal.
I sometimes just want to talk
to someone who really knows me.
No false perceptions
Of who I'm meant to be.
Just me.
But I know you won't answer.

When you last said goodbye...
The ground shook and cracked.
My heart fell into it,
And was swallowed whole
By a bottomless pit.
The many mistakes we've made
Can't be taken back.
So we go through withdrawal.
To get rid of the toxins...
But not until now did I realize...
Just how addicted to your love I had become.

Taming the beast

The past and all its memories
Sometimes spring in and frequent my dreams.
The person I once was is a ghost..
That haunts the person I try to be.
The mistakes that I've made,
I can never eschew.
When things are going well...
The past moves in to take it's cue.
It comes to remind me
That though I'm renewed...
Forgetting what you've done
Breaks the cardinal rule...
Then just that quickly... It dissipates,
And my former confidence is subdued.

Something Special

I wish that the way I view you..
was not perceptual...
But relative and factual.
So that way you could see what I see
And when I tell you that you're beautiful
You wouldn't blush and call me crazy.
instead,
You'd hit me with an "I know"...
I'd laugh and call you conceited.
But at least I'd know you believe it.
this is a wish for now,
But let me help you achieve it.

You see,
I lust for you in ways
that surpass mere sexual desires.
I want to revamp your confidence.
And reignite your inner fire.
So many people see what I do,
And that's proof that I'm no liar.
Live in the now if you dare...
don't dwell on anything prior.

Because...
You are imperfectly perfect...
And amazing is so many ways.
tic toc...
your time is approaching..
Let me lay back with you
And count the days.
Until you see as I do.
And know the words I write are true.
You.... are something special.

To Be or Not To Be...

I make all the wrong decisions...
When it comes to you.
I'm an eager optimistic..
Who doesn't think things through.
From the start you waved your flag
but to logic,
I had formally bid adieu..
I ignored all the signs...
Just excited to delight in you.

Now here lies a tortured soul...
Not bitter but severely confused.
Thoughts of something I did...
Doth protest my image of you.
Was it me or was it not?
I may never know...
But I accept your acquittal.
Complex Perfection is what I call you...
Or my own shakespearean riddle.

No Safe Bets

I don't want to be your safe bet.
When you wake up...
I want to be that thought.
When you see something beautiful...
Let it be a remembrance of me.
Let your love for me transcend time and space.
Let it be unruly and illogical.
Let the vast Earth around you seem void
And lifeless without my presence.
Let me captivate the deepest impenetrable thoughts in your mind.
I want your love for me to be the fire within you.
Let the sight of me wreak havoc on your hormones.
Let my scent excite you,
And my demeanor entice you.
Let me into all of who you are.
So much so that  you do not exist without me.

I want your relentless,
I want your undeniable,
I want all of your love, and all of you.
I don't want to be your safe bet.

Time capsule (draft)

many years ago,
You surely caught my eye.
But you were intrigued by another girl,
so I became a friend and stayed to the side.
Then before I knew it,
it was we,
No longer just you nor me
And I thought we were at the time,
But we were not ready.

I liked you a lot,
But didn't know how to show it.
Young minded and immature
You couldn't control it,
And it tore us apart,
But we remained together.
I tried to stay put despite the inclement weather...
I learned that I was a woman scorned,
And you were dealing too.
Turns out we not only needed time,
We also needed room...
to grow up and face the world...
To experience life and its uncertainties.
But that doesn't stop me from wondering...
At a different time...
And different place...
Could we have been meant to be?

1095 days passed until I found someone new,
we met on a whim,
But clicked
he was familiar.
Reminded me of someone that I knew.
I didn't see it coming
But love grabbed me by the throat..
It held on until my choke
Was muffled and my life was revoked.
Then everything I knew went up in smoke
I was so in love I couldn't tell up from down.
I gave up on friendships,
My main concern was holding him down.
when it came down to it.
I would've done anything for him...
and the feelings I felt couldn't be shown
Had it not been for verse 1 to be truthful.

I can't say that he deserved my love,
But we do live and we learn.
I pray that with some guidance
And wisdom...
I'll find the one for whom I yearn.

Universal remote

Words can cut deep...
When they are cursed from lovely lips..
But the power that exists in them
Is only yours to give.
People are spiteful,
even the ones you hold near and dear to your heart...
Conversations and understandings
Are ammunition waiting to depart.
They'll use against you sometimes..
The things they know will hurt you most...
and the closer they are to you...
The deeper the wounds can go...
So let's make a toast,
Not to d-bags or a-holes...
But to loved ones who try to put you down...
And don't know they haven't got that control.

Daddy issues

Staring at an empty chair...
Wishing he were sitting there.
Maybe he would understand...
Maybe he could ease my pain...
I think maybe oh just maybe...
Because he's the one that made me.
I'm his little girl,
That he's never even known.
I'm his little girl and now I'm 24 years old.
24 birthdays,
24 Christmases...
No hugs reflecting compassion,
no memories nor any pictures
That's right,
The life I've always wanted,
is just an illustration in my mind.
But its not vivid...
Like watercolors...
Or large pixilated images...
I can't see it...
Partially blind...
And it just...
Has left me incomplete...
I'm a puzzle missing a piece...
I'm a sinner without Jesus...
I'm a church with no preachers...
I'm a school missing its teachers...
Because I miss you...
but you don't know me...
So stranger danger
Blow the whistle
While I vent about Daddy Issues.

A.d.d

Late night talks about marriage and monogamy...
politics and conspiracy...
Religion and philosophy.
Make me wonder where are we going as a society.
Poverty plagues the world...
As well as overall inequality.
Could it be that possibly,
We just don't care?
That's probably the best synopsis,
Because the land of the brave
Seems full of hypocrisy,
When the world around us dies
And we just let it be.
Potentially killing ourselves in the interim.
You see how that works?
My mind starts to race..
But it can't distinguish the first from last place.
So we run this marathon...
With an extinguished torch
Planted in my palm...
And that Rocky theme song playing
As I hum along...
What was this about again?

Starting anew

I may not dress up all the time,
But trust, I'm a lady.
Even when I'm in sneakers and sweat pants.
hair not done and looking crazy.
I am sensitive,
Honest,
Loyal,
And true.
I may not always be confident,
And I don't always think things through.
I care too much at times,
And I give too much in relationships.
I have allowed men to dim my shine,
And bite my tongue so much that blood runs down my lip.
I don't always express myself,
And have even allowed people to take me for granted.
But I will no longer disrespect myself,
And from others, respect will be demanded.
my kindness has been taken for weakness,
but I'm spiritually hitting the gym.
I know the problems that I have been having in my life
Stem from deep within.
So I'm revamping this young lady
And actually letting my womanhood begin.

Equality Water

Freedom to love who you love,
does not have a political position.
But stressing the immorality of inequality
as tactic for distraction is a political disposition.
When love is real,
and love is true,
you recognize not who doesn't recognize you.
Yes, we all want to be treated the same.
But when we continue this debacle,
and America continues to plummet who is to blame?

My point is this,
The matter at hand is not something that should be up for debate.
What's the point of filling up with water,
when there's a full meal already on your plate?
Equality should be a given,
as should the choice to decide for women.
The pressing matters are what we are distracted from,
and when it is all said and done,
we will wish that we protested for them.
Instead of fueling our bodies with equality water.

Intuition

Never have you lead me astray before,
And never will I ignore you again.
You tried to cease the cycle
Of pain before it even began.
You let me know that hints of betrayal layed on the road ahead.
But I chose to ignore your warning
And follow my heart instead.

What use is following my heart,
when it only leads me toward destruction.
It halts not for humiliation,
and it uses absolutely no dicretion.
It has had me drowning in disbelief,
and that is one of the worst ways to go.
In comparison to what it has put me through,
dying via drowning and suffocation seems almost humane, though.

So now,
I guess you can say that I'm back to the basics.
because I refuse to continue to take this
beating in my head and chest.
Nope,
I can no longer fake it...
Like a woman trying to please her man,
because she loves him
so she remains unsatisfied and doesn't say shit.
I have no room in my life for fraudulence.
My heart will solely be used for it's circulatory purpose.

Untitled

I put my head to his chest...
and I can feel his heart beat.
I put my lips to his forehead,
and the cool sensation soothes me.
Wrapped in his arms...
reality dissipates.
For an eternity,
in these moments I could stay.

But I don't love him, though.

Our conversations can go on for hours..
we can talk about anything.
From music, cars, clothes, religion, politics...
who knows where our minds will go...
I just sit back and enjoy every moment of the ride
and enjoy the essence of him which takes me high...

But, I don't love him, though.

I am more comfortable around him,
than I have been in quite some time.
And when I look at the distance we've come...
I see nothing behind me but endless miles.
I know not what the future holds,
and now I just don't care.
I've found a friend in him...
when no one else was there.
He's my Big Bear.

and I love him.... SO?!

Speed of wave/ wave length (Frequency)

The lies from her lips seduced my ears,
drawing me nearer and nearer.
She whispered melodic lullabies so softly...
that only I could hear her.
I was tuned to her frequency,
and she to mine...
Endless transmissions and confessions,
merely led to submission time after time.
She was my captor and my freedom intertwined...
I was her game and I was her game.
We played with the idea of her letting me be...
she asked "But what good is freedom if you don't want to be free?"
Her love was my prison,
and I was fine with being confined to that.
Serving life without parole...
I gained access to her world,
and she took with her a piece of my soul.
Now I see that as the story unfolds...
there was no story to even be told.
Just a tune to be heard...
....her inaudible seductive frequency.