Suppressed Memories pt. 1

My mother was in an abusive relationship when I was very young.
I didn't understand at the time,
But I knew I didn't like it.
I saw him hit her once in a staircase...
The sound of his hand across her face...
Echoed through the project building.

She tried to leave him...
So he held her hostage in our apt...
With my sister and I there...
He raped and beat her for days...
Until she convinced him to let her go to work...
And take us to school for fear of people becoming suspicious...
Because she's smart like that.
But we didn't go back home that day...
In fact...
Weeks later when we returned...
He had burned the entire apartment down
Pets, clothes, toys, jewelry and all

Closure.

I am doing so well.
I guess that's what closure is about.
When you don't have any more questions.
When you're no longer filled with doubt.
When things make sense...
And you can see the bigger picture.
Even better when you find out...
You posed for it,
But the picture isn't with ya.

Because then there are no grey areas.
No grandeur illusions to be concocted.
It is black and white.

I realize there is no scenario where things could've gone differently.
There is nothing I could've done or said.
I didn't belong there. Period.
That space was never for me.
I merely played a role.
And that's okay.
I was there for someone when they needed someone.
I take pride in that.
I'm a great person,
And I know when someone needs me...
Not just someone...
I'll be able to appreciate it more, now.

Closure.

I still get nervous

When I kissed your lips last night...
They were softer than they've ever been.
Sweeter than I remembered...
And as addictive as a line of coke.

Not like that first kiss.

Gosh I was so nervous.

Sweaty palms...
Over thinking...
I missed my moment...
Damn I've been waiting for this...
Don't let her just go...
But now it'll be awkward...
Nothing like you planned...
No finesse.. no caress...
But she's leaving...
Fuck it.... do something!
Come back!!!
Oh gosh...she's really coming back....
Now what?!
Kiss her!!!!!!!!

No.
Nothing like that.
But,
I was still nervous...
I've kissed you a million times after that...
Yet the last time...
last night...
I was still nervous.

My nightmare

Last night I had a dream.
It shook me to my core.
I woke up so much angrier
Than I think I've ever been before.
Tears filled my eyes.
My heart was racing...
Yet barely beating.
And the air that filled my chest...
Had thoroughly been depleted.

I couldn't wait to wake up....
And I guess I still can't.

MY UFO

I once had a boat...
It drifted out to sea.
I thought that I would never see it again.
Years would pass...
And my boat...
She came back...
But I gave up my passion for sailing...
For a brand new craft.

The ocean is deep...
As were my feelings about sailing...
But the vast infinity of space
For me was far more revealing...
When I searched for a handle...
I found it out there...
While my boat was drifting...
Out towards the middle of nowhere.

I'm not always the most beautiful...
Or the most in shape.
I'm not even the smartest or funniest.
I have several speech impediments
That I work through everyday.
I am very critical of myself,
And I sometimes hate the person I have become....
Not because I'm the asshole that I used to be...
But because I feel... when I didn't before.

When people used to describe me...
The first trait usually stated was nonchalant....
I didn't let things phase me...
Especially not little things...
But now at 25 I care so much...
About everything....
I'm such a different person....
It's scary.
Who am I becoming?

There is a deep feeling of emptiness.
In my shallow pool of feelings.
My heart is barely beating...
Because I'm still retrieving pieces...
That are scattered like the ashes
Of the old heart breaks in the past
And I know that I'm so jaded...
Because of all the smiling faces...
That promised that they'd love me...
But only left me desecrated.

Hanging by an artery...
There's barely any heart left in me.
I'm popping pills to help me feel
less depressed and more normally
Anxiety is inside of me.
Flush it out with drugs, alcohol and weed.
Numb me up.
I give no fucks
I accept who I am entirely.