Addicted to addiction

I just craved my very first cigarette.
The feeling of addiction...
Is far too familiar.
So I recognize it right away.

I'm addicted to being addicted.
So many addictions...
That I never can quit them.
I just take one and replace it...
With a brand new fix.
It fills the void left inside me.
Addiction.

It's something about the consistency
That is reassuring and comforting.
I'm addicted to a routine.
I get thrown off so often.
Consistently inconsistent men and women
Enter and exit my life,
Chaotic and hectic.
My own routine makes it easy to maintain
My sanity.
Does addiction keep me sane?
That sounds crazy.
But so does "I'm addicted to addiction"

I just want to be happy

I'm tired of love's sardonic grin
Casting this shadow over my life.
It forces me to become jaded,
To the point where I can't take it.
I cry beneath the shower stream.
While this insidious enemy tortures me.

I just want to be happy.

FTS

Fuck this shit.

When I look inside myself.
Unsure of what goes where.
Ignoring the desires that I have.
In order to help others persevere.
I find that it eats at my soul...
Piece by piece...
The good within me...
Once whole and solid.
Is crumbling and slipping from my grasp.
So I'm saying...
Fuck this shit.

I realize that I have my faults,
But I know I'm worth the risk.
So,
You can straddle your safe bets.
While I say fuck this shit.
I'm done wasting my time.
Eagerly waiting for good news...
Only to be bombarded by disappointment
And to be tormented by....
"Not quite the right time"
"I'm just living the single life"
And blatant rejection that stings like a bitch.
My ego is allergic to failure.
Good thing my mind is like an epipen.
Healing the allergic reaction...
With a healthy dose of
Fuck this shit.

If you and I were...
What would come of that?
If I could have what I want...
Would I even be happy?
Do I really want that?
What happens to fulfilled desires?
Where does that yearning go?
That feeling...
comparable to...
Christmas morning.
Excitement and curiosity flooding your body.
What happens to it?
When the presents are all unwrapped...
And you got everything that you wanted.
.... What happens next?